


Let You Down

by Windify



Series: The Katana Chronicles [11]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Love, Caring, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt Leonardo (TMNT), Insecurity, Leonardo-centric (TMNT), Nightmares, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29355861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windify/pseuds/Windify
Summary: “So? What did you see?” Mikey asked curiously.Leonardo refused to look at them. “You,” he said softly. “I saw you.”
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT)
Series: The Katana Chronicles [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099514
Comments: 16
Kudos: 69





	Let You Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poulnabrone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poulnabrone/gifts).



> Soo, this was prompted by the amazing @poulnabrone  
> It’s set after the episode s02e10 "Fungus Humongous" and they prompted this idea: Leonardo was hit with the toxin plenty of times (I counted like 14) so maybe there are some aftereffects? And if there are, what about some brotherly caring?

_“Would you say you mastered your fear?”_

_“No. I just… I just faced it, Sensei.”_

_“And that, Leonardo, is why you are a great leader.”_

He tried to believe him, he really did. But right now, staring at the ceiling of his room, covered in dry cold sweat, he doubted every word his master had said to him.

The nightmare was worse than before, much more worse. He was trying to breath deeply, trying to slow his racing heart, but he couldn’t focus enough. He kept returning to the darkness, to the voices telling him that he had failed and that it was his fault and that he wasn’t enough, he kept seeing his brothers being dragged away from him, bleeding and beginning for him to help them, but there was nothing he could do, frozen to one spot without the ability to move…

He closed his eyes, swallowing. “It’s not real,” he whispered. “It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not.”

So why it seemed so real? Why he still couldn’t move, no matter how hard he tried? He needed to get up, needed to check on his brothers to know that they are not on bloody pieces, that they are alive and safe and that he _hadn’t failed_.

“You let us down, bro.”

His breath hitched. Squeezing his eyes tightly, he clenched his fists, trying to get Mikey’s voice out of his head.

“It’s your fault, Leo!” Donatello screamed, the deafening sound echoing in his head as if he was standing right next to him.

Cold steel was pressed against him and he opened his eyes, staring at Raphael who was pushing his own katana to Leo’s plastron. “You did this, Fearless Leader,” Raph spit out harshly. His eyes gleamed and he pushed the katana down –

Screaming, Leonardo shot out of his bed, his hands instinctively clapped to his stomach. He would swear he could feel the tip of the sword burying in him, could swear that he felt his brother touching him.

No. No, that couldn’t be.

“Just a dream,” Leonardo murmured. “Nothing else, just a dream, the toxin’s still in my body, it wasn’t _real_.”

So how did he know this was real? How did he know that he wasn’t still hallucinating, that he wasn’t dreaming?

How did he know he hadn’t failed?

The doors to his room burst open and he flinched when he saw his three brothers and Sensei standing there, weapons raised and ready to fight. “Leo?” Mikey asked worriedly. “Leo, what’s going on?”

“Are you okay?” Raph added. “We heard you scream.”

_You did this._

When they moved towards him, he jumped away. He reached for his swords blindly, lifting up one katana. “Stay back,” he ordered.

They stopped but Raphael frowned. “What? We want to help you.”

“Don’t come any closer to me!” Leo snarled, backing up again. He was breathing too fast, his heart beating loudly in his chest. His eyes roved from one mutant to another and he watched them, waiting to hear the accusing words that never came.

“This is real,” he whispered because he needed to say it, needed to hear it. This wasn’t a hallucination, not anymore, he was _wide awake_ and his team was alright, they weren’t dead. “Not dreaming anymore. No more hallucinations.”

“Leonardo.” Splinter sounded surprisingly soft, yet firm at the same time. “My son, I do not know what you have seen, but I assure you that you are awake right now.”

Was he really, or was it just another trick? He wasn’t sure. But the fungus was supposed to show his greatest fear, not embarrassing situations where he couldn’t grasp the sense of reality. _And_ he could move, now.

Michelangelo leaned closer to the purple-masked ninja. “What’s wrong with him, D?”

“Based on his actions and words, I think that the fungus’ toxin was affecting his dreams,” Donatello explained quickly, frowning.

Raph crossed his arms on his chest. “Well why he’s the only one affected?”

“I don’t know how much of the toxin he had inhaled. Actually, we don’t even know how he defeated that thing.”

Mikey was no longer listening to the explanation. Instead, he moved closer to the eldest brother, keeping the distance between the blade. “Hey Leo, calm down. We’ll help you, okay bro? You can put the shiny pointy stick away, no one’s gonna hurt you.”

He hesitated, unsure if he should trust him or not. But he could move unlike before when he heard the voices and saw his brothers half dead. There was no darkness, he could see his own room, meaning someone had to switch the light on before. The scene was so different from the dreams and hallucinations…

Slowly, he lowered the sword. Mikey used his indecision to carefully took the katana from him, sheathing it, and then he was seizing his eldest brother in a crushing hug. “You’re alright, Leo.”

He was far from all right, considering he was ready to attack his siblings just a few seconds ago. “Not if you keep sucking my air out of my lungs.” Yet Mikey didn’t pull away and he was kind of glad for it, the hold returning his mind back to reality.

Someone touched his shoulder and he flinched, the touch so similar to the dream, but this Raph – the real one – was looking at him with concern, brow furrowed. “Not so fearless, after all.”

Leonardo chuckled, the sound a little strained. “I’m far from fearless, Raph.”

“Which prompts the question how the hell did you manage to beat the fungus.” Raphael’s face hardened. “You were screaming like if you were dying.”

He shook his head. “It’s not important, Raph.”

“It is,” Donatello objected. “But first – come to my lab. I need to take your blood to see how much of the toxin is in your bloodstream and if it can have another unexpected effects.”

“Guys, you realize nightmares are normal for us, right?”

Donnie glared at him. “You said it yourself that you were hallucinating.”

Stupid panicky blabbering. In the end he couldn’t resist, not when both Mikey and Raph grasped him firmly and navigated him out of his room to Donatello’s lab. He let Donatello take his blood, knowing they wouldn’t let him be otherwise.

“I think we should talk, Leo,” Donnie said, fidgeting with his equipment. “About what happened.”

His eyes roved the room frantically, searching for Splinter who wasn’t there. That meant that their teacher wanted for them to have this conversation which meant that no one was going to rescue him from his brothers.

“Nothing happened,” he answered finally. “Well, nothing special.”

Raph huffed, shaking his head. “Cut the crap, Leo. How did you managed to beat that mushroom? I don’t like to say it, but we weren’t even able to think about beating it.”

“And according to this,” Donnie lifted one flask, shaking it a little, “you were hit more than once.”

Sometimes he really hated how good Donatello was with all the scientific stuff no one else understood.

“So? What did you see?” Mikey asked curiously, although there was a hidden fear in his voice.

And, well, Leo understood why he was afraid, really. He rarely showed he was afraid and if there was something that scared him so much he couldn’t even keep silent in his sleep…

If that something frightened _him_ , the so-called Fearless One, how dangerous it could be for the team? How dangerous it could be for them if he let the fear take control over his body?

His youngest brother was looking at him with baby blue eyes wide open, patiently waiting and ready to hug him again if he needed it. Raph stared at him but there was worry in his eyes and he looked like he was about to find whoever scared him and beat the living hell out of them, and Donnie… Donnie had that reflective look he always made when he was trying to fix something. Or, in this case, someone.

How could he lie to them? But at the same time, how could he tell them the truth?

Leonardo refused to look at them. Instead, he hung his head, closing his eyes. “You,” he said softly. “I saw you.”

Honestly, the following crushing silence was expected. He let out the breath he was holding, the sound so loud in the suddenly quiet lair.

“Wh – what?” Michelangelo’s voice was so small, so full of confusion and hurt that it made him open his eyes again and instinctively reach out for his little brother. This time, it was Leo who squeezed his sibling in a hug, shushing him.

“What do you mean, ‘you’?” Raphael demanded sternly and Leonardo knew he was trying to hide his panic behind the anger. “That’s just bullshit!”

Donatello blinked. “You know we’d never hurt you, right? Right, Leo?” he asked urgently. He let go og the flask, coming closer to him.

Michelangelo sniffled. “Why would we be your greatest fear? We’re your brothers, Leo, we love you.”

“I know, Mikey,” Leo assured him quickly. “And I love you, too. All of you. But that’s exactly why I saw you.”

They all frowned, this time more confused than hurt. “That doesn’t make any sense,” Raph snorted humorlessly.

Leo sighed. He didn’t want to explain because that would require going through his feelings and he would rather die than allowed his brothers to know about his insecurities. Yet Raphael was right – said it like that, it trully didn’t make much sense.

So Leo steeled himself, taking a few second to think his words through. “I’m the leader,” he started slowly. He raised his hand, stopping Raph’s protests before he even managed to say something. “I’m the leader and your big brother and every day of our life I fear that I make a mistake that will kill you. I’m afraid that one day, I will let you down when you need it the most.” The ‘again’ went unsaid but it was there, they could hear it. “That’s why you are my greatest fear. And that’s why I was able to defeat the fungus – because I face my fear every single day.”

He didn’t tell them that he feared they would blame him for it. Didn’t tell them he was afraid they would never forgive him. There were just some things he couldn’t say aloud, things burried deep in his mind that was better to leave alone, things his younger brothers definitely didn’t need to know. 

Raphael shook his head violently, interrupting his thoughts. “It’s still stupid,” he hissed. “You never let us down, Fearless.”

He bit his tongue to stop himself from replying, rough ‘Didn’t I?’ on his lips. He had failed them countless times already. “Listen, Raph –”

“No, you listen, Leo,” Donatello interrupted him. “Raph’s right. You may be the leader, but we’re a team. If we fail, it’s not because of you.”

“We love you, Leo,” Michelangelo said, snuggling closer to the blue-masked ninja. “You don’t have to be afraid that you’ll let us down because we know you’re doing the best you can.”

“But what if it’s not enough?” Leo whispered.

“Then it’s still not your fault.” Raph put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing tightly. “We’re in this together, leader or not. So don’t be stupid, there’s no need for these self-doubt thoughts.”

“Yeah,” Mikey nodded. “What he says. We’re brothers, no matter what.”

He breathed in shakily, blinking to chase away the burning behind his eyes. A second later, Michelangelo wasn’t the only one in his arms. Donatello was pressed to him and Raphael held all of them. “Aww,” Mikey cooed, “a group hug, nice. We need to have serious conversations more often if this is the result.”

They all laughed. “No way,” Leo mumbled nonetheless. “We can do this without nightmares and deep topics.”

He was willing to hug his brothers all day if they wanted to, as long as they kept believing in his skills, in _him_ , and he promised to never let them down again.

Because while they were his biggest fear, his brothers were also his greatest strength.

**Author's Note:**

> Whooo, my first fanfic for the 2012 turtles. It feels weird. xD
> 
> Have I seen more than 10 episodes of the 2012 series? Hell no. Am I already writing a 2003/2012 crossover? You guess it, I am.


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